Night Fears
In the dark, troubled thoughts roam free
“Devin?”
Ferris’ voice cuts through the darkness of their shared bedroom. Devin, roused from his dreamless slumber, rolls over to face in the direction of his brother’s bed. Though there is no window to let in starlight, nor a candle left burning in some back corner, he still feels like he can see his brother’s distressed frown.
“What?” Devin asks in his tired, croaky voice.
Ferris doesn’t answer right away. He takes a long series of heavy breaths, wanting to speak and yet finding no strength in himself to put his thoughts into words. Fair enough; he’s only turning seven this year. But Devin doesn’t have all evening to wait for him to speak, either. He has to get good rest, for there’s much he must do come first light.
“Do you get scared?” Ferris finally asks him.
Devin lets out a low hum, though it comes out more akin to a growl than anything thoughtful.
“I am scared for the king’s safety,” he replies. “That’s it.” He hears Ferris shift under his sheets, though he can’t tell if he’s going back to sleep or if he’s restless by his answer.
“I’m scared,” Ferris comments.
“About what?”
“You,” Ferris answers. His voice becomes tight as he adds, “I don’t want you to die.”
Devin taps his leg with his fingers. He’s not surprised by his brother’s concern, but he doesn’t know how to reply. He was about Ferris’ age, if not slightly older, when he had these concerns about their father. He was always away at the king’s side. Even with Devin in training to look after Samuel, as he learned what his own duties were to become, he couldn’t help but worry for his father even more.
It’s always been his family’s duty to serve the king of Korodon, to not only be friends and advisors, but to also lay their lives down for the royal family at a moment’s notice. They spend their entire lives bonding with the royals, training with the guards, and learning with the priests. It wouldn’t be easy to train a new being to be like him if he were to die in the line of duty, but a royal is irreplaceable.
The only problem is that Ferris might not ever become a personal entourage for any royal. He’ll most likely join their mother and become a priest instead. Devin had to come to terms with the fact that death is part of his duty. Ferris doesn’t have this same frame of mind.
He rolls onto his back, resting one of his hand on his chest. How does he explain this all to a child? He doesn’t want to scare his brother, and yet there’s no soft or easy way to describe his thoughts.
Casualties are inevitable. This is war, after all. But he finds himself shaking his head at the thought. It sounds too callous.
You shouldn’t worry too much. Devin has his life and Ferris has his. There’s no point in being concerned about what the other brother is doing at any given time. But it’s not a true answer, nor will it ease any worries.
It’s my duty. It is his duty, to die for the king. Though even if it’s true, something in the back of his mind tells him that this is still not the right answer, either.
“Why are you so worried about this?” he inquires instead.
Once more, Ferris shifts in bed, rolling around in an effort to get comfortable again.
“What if…” he replies slowly, “this is the last time… I see you?”
Something wraps around Devin’s heart and squeezes it. His mouth hangs open to speak, but he has no words to say.
He never really thought about it like that before.
He doesn’t try and treat every cycle like it’s his last, though he has already come to accept that him having a long life is not a guarantee. At any moment, he may find himself in that final battle of life or death. Until then, however, he must always be ready for it.
Death itself has never scared him. His family are Spiritists, after all. He has dealt with the dead before, and he will continue to do so until his own end. He had to learn and accept his duties as the king’s personal guard, which was hard at first, but he eventually found his own clarity. And he knows that his family knows the risks that come with performing this important duty to the royals, and they themselves have accepted it, too.
Except for Ferris.
Devin doesn’t see much of his family. He leaves before they wake, and he returns just in time for bed. Sometimes, he’s not even at the castle to see them anyway. Though to him, it’s no big deal. He knows that there’s still a home he can to return to and a family who will greet him.
So it’s understandable that Ferris fears for his safety simply because he’s always away. He doesn’t see his older brother, so if he were to suddenly disappear one cycle…
Just thinking about how heartbroken Ferris would probably be makes his own chest ache. One moment, Devin is sleeping with him in their shared room, and then the next he quietly disappears and never returns.
“Ferris,” Devin finally speaks, “worrying about powers beyond your control does not help any being. Especially not this late at night.”
His younger brother lets out a snicker. Is he amused? Was it something Devin said?
But he continues on, “I have already found my peace years ago. Whatever happens to me, it will have been written long before it ever arrives, and I will accept the outcome with open arms. You will eventually find a way to make peace with yourself, too. It will take you time, but you will reach it. It took me… five years? The Spirits only know when you’ll find it for yourself.
“You’re still young. Don’t concern yourself with the war too much. You’re safe here. Even if I’m not around, mother and father will protect you. And no matter where I am, I will always watch over you.”
Ferris once more rolls around in the dark, the only noise in their otherwise quiet room. Has Devin helped ease his fears at all? Even if he hasn’t, he’s confident that Ferris will understand eventually. He’s still young, and if this war ends in their favor, he’ll have his whole life to look forward to living. Devin fights for his future as much as he fights for the future of every wizard on Astria.
Death comes for every being. But will he find it on the battle field? Only the Spirits know.
He rolls onto his side, closing his eyes once more.
“It’s too late to be talking about this. Go to sleep, Ferris.”
“Good night, Devin,” Ferris replies, his voice finally tired and calm.
“Good night, Ferris.”
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